07/04/2008
Am Back from Lanzarote
I am home and safe. Ashley is slightly burnt, my poor wee girl! She managed on the first day of the holiday to fall over, tits over hair and skint her two knees, then she got her shoulders burnt despite wearing factor 50, and then she had a migraine. It was fun though. We spent hours sitting on that amazing balcony watching the sun go down over the beautiful pools, laughing listening to music and chatting. Wonderful stuff.
We had such a good time, we have great photo’s to upload and will do so soon.
Its great being back home, I did miss husband. Lanzarote was so lovely and nothing what I expected at all. Playa Blanca was really peaceful and nice. The weather was really hot though and being Scottish, I melted a wee bit.
Meanwhile I need to remind all you good people in Norwich that I am doing my one woman comedy show at the Norwich Playhouse Theatre on July 25th, do come along and see me!
Speak soon.
16:17 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
07/01/2008
7 inches from the midday sun
I am so very hot and sticky, but of course I am in Lanzarote. I never knew heat like this, it is relentless and burning every pore in my body. Thank God for the beautiful cool blue swimming pools here in our hotel. I simply wake up, pull on a cozzie, walk down for a chilled orange juice and then fall into the still flat cool pool. Now that’s life!
Floating about…enjoying the peacefulness as there are hardly any guests here, let alone screaming babies or drunks who do pyramids in the pool. Just pure serenity and I love it. Though I have to admit, I am bored. Husband did warn me of this syndrome. Apparently I yearn for peace and quiet and then make enough noise within that space because I am easily bored.
Though Ashley and I have had such a laugh together, she really makes me giggle. We have dinner at night then stretch out on our balcony and chat along to our music till the sun goes down over the ocean. It would be nice of she had a chat with someone under the age of 35, as everyone at this hotel is pretty middle-aged. She still hasn’t quiet gotten over missing Jay-Z at Glastonbury . She will never get over that and it’s my entire fault.
We have some colour, both of us have read three books and both of us have walked some miles in the heat and came to this conclusion.
We hate…
Beaches
Sticky limbs with sun cream
Hotel sheets
Bars that smell of burgers and bingo
Flip flops
Sangria
Insects that chase us
Angry cats
Shops that sell cats faces cut out of coconut
The fact that no one sells ceramic donkeys and that’s the one thing Ashley can ask for clearly in Spanish. (Don’t ask me why)
Sand that blows in your face.
So, soon we will be home from our lazy hazy holiday and I am missing husband. He is probably having a great time away from me!
21:44 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
06/27/2008
Lanzarote
I am in Lanzarote. Due to a somewhat worrying medical situation, I missed going to Glastonbury. Ashley and I have come to Lanzarote instead. It was a surprise gift from husband. He knew I would have time off after my minor surgery and decided to treat me. So he sent Ashley and me on a last minute holiday.
I would never have picked Lanzarote in my life. I hate package holidays and despise the smell of beer and kebabs. BUT this place is awesome, it is quiet and huge and the food is wonderful.
We are staying at the Gran Melia Volcain in Playa Blanca. I am stunned at how great the hotel is! Its 5 star in Lanzarote standards and trust me – it shows. I am so relaxed.
Ashley loves the swimming pools and I think our complex has four; I am not sure as we keep stumbling across more stuff as we walk about. The place is quiet and there are hardly any guests – which I am loving.
I imagined Lanzarote to be a place where people eat hot lard and sing the ‘Birdie Song’ continuously as baldy British men beat their wives and kids get sunburnt or ignored for a bingo night.
I haven’t had a proper holiday in years. I am so happy and though am worried about issues surrounding health and family, I am having a great time. I post up some pics when I get back.
Please remember all comedy fans of the blog I am doing my one woman show at Norwich Playhouse on 25th July and at Eden Court Inverness on 27th July.
More news from Lanzarote this week!
18:21 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
06/23/2008
Is Life ok?
I have been increasingly worried lately about my lovely wee step mum who hasn’t been well. Then I had a medical thing of my own which meant I had to cancel my appearance at The Glastonbury Comedy Tent, so life sucks a bit.
I am just back from Nottingham, I was MC at Jongleurs and I loved it. We stayed in serviced apartments with Urban Self Catering who really went out on a limb for me, they are amazing people and just wonderful hosts. The big two bedroom house was
I do like Nottingham and am looking forward to my big one woman show at Norwich Playhouse. Comedy is going well.
So, considering all this medical stuff goes well, Ashley and I are going to have our first holiday together in years. We are hoping to go to Turkey to Olu Deniz. I saw it on the web and it looks amazing. I really need a beach holiday and time to myself…and with Ashley! Husband hates beaches and holidays in general, so he is staying at home.
I really need a break just before the Edinburgh Festival.
I am hoping the hotel or destination does have internet, as I need to write my column for The Scotsman from a beach! That will be cool.
So I am off to sleep and wake up tomorrow and find a travel agent that will organise my wee holiday.
18:05 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
06/19/2008
What’s Sex got to do with it?
Unfaithful marriages are what keep gossip columns alive; it needs stupid people to read about it and feeds like barracuda’s on every detail of some unfortunate couple’s life to survive.
The most recent and enduring story is of footballer Ashley Cole and Cheryl Tweedy of Girls Aloud fame. This yarn is still being hocked out round the glossy mags.
You can’t pick up a magazine without seeing the angry Mrs. Cole is in a basque with the by-line “Would you cheat on this woman?”
It’s an old story; stupid man cheats on gorgeous sexy wife. Why would he do that? Have you seen the woman he had a dalliance with? Is the wife not fragrant? Is she not beautiful? Why would he stray when he has this hottie at home?
When did straying in a marriage have anything to do with looks?
Unless you are married to the Hunch Back of Notre Dame and have a quick one night stand with Brad Pitt does that theory come into play.
Society dictates that if you have a sexy partner, you have no right to go off and sully that relationship by having sex with a plain person. Which means that if some overpaid footballer had a one night stand with the latest Miss World, would that make the unfaithful act ok in his wife’s eyes? ‘I don’t mind you shagging around, as long as she is pretty?’
We all recall the Beckham alleged affair with Rebecca Loos, the pouty Posh One screamed “David wouldn’t touch a fat ugly woman” Which leads us to believe that if Mr Golden Balls screwed Eva Longoria then at least he wasn’t batting below his weight and Victoria could fully understand why he did it! Who makes these rules up?
That theory is all nonsense and the media is naïve to use beauty as a means to be staying faithful. As if sexy women or hot men never get cheated on!
If that were the case then why is Hollywood full of divorced beautiful people?
Most psychologists will tell you unfaithfulness has nothing to do with how sexy the wife or husband is, the whole episode hinges on the persons own self worth and how they feel being in a committed relationship.
The mistress isn’t always a sex bomb that came along and hooked he bedazzled man.
We all recall the hoots of horror when it was revealed that the Prince of Wales had chosen the slightly haggard Camilla Parker Bowles over the poised and perfect Princess Diana, who at the time was apparently the words most beautiful woman. What was Charles thinking?
We all know what he was thinking now, he loved Camilla.
Diana could wear all the pretty frocks she chooses, and her man still wanted the bushy blonde who smoked too much and lived in her wellies.
It gave the ordinary women all over the world a glimmer of hope, Princes can love the not so pretty girls as well, and the ugly sisters among us can win the kings heart. Prince Charles empowered us women more than Diana ever did by choosing Camilla over his glamorous wife, though we never really thanked him for it.
People are unfaithful because they want to, it doesn’t matter how attractive or ugly the wife or secret partner. It happens.
22:23 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
06/12/2008
Lazy Blogger Janey
I have been burnt, exhausted and scorched by the hot sun in London and thank God, it’s beginning to get cooler! Husband and I are still in here in Westminster . The gigs are going great, life is good. I miss my daughter like a piece of me has been cut off.
I woke up this morning and had one of those moments where I felt incredibly old and my life had passed me by. I worried that I was too old for stand up, too ancient for TV to even give me a chance, too ugly and fat to be considered for any film. It was a horrible empty evil place to be. Maybe I should have done all this years ago? I spent my entire twenties and a good chunk of my 30s running a bar, why should I get a second chance at life? My mammy didn’t she was dead at my age.
It’s strange, but I don’t see the older men in comedy worry about this. I am quite old amongst the female stand ups, but am not older than a lot of the guys. Why do I get so insecure?
Maybe I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and give myself a good kick up the ass?
I walked through Westminster today and joined the Liberty protestors who were trying to support the MPs who were against the latest law that the government decided to pass through Parliament. They wanted to raise the detention time of suspected terrorists up to 42 and the bastards managed it. It is a sad day for liberty in the UK .
I am beginning to hate the one eyed Protestant Gordon Brown more than I hated that closet Catholic Blair, stupid insecure men that seem to believe they have the ear of God yet cause more wars. Don’t even get me started on the Christian Bush!
If he exists, God must be sitting ‘up there’ saying “Hey, I know nothing about this and believe these men don’t hear my voice!”
I need to stop procrastinating and start being a bit more proactive about my life.
On a lighter note I was chatting to a woman I know in the street in Soho , I noticed in the harsh sunlight that she had a big brown ring around her chin and jaw line where her make up stopped abruptly.
It was like she had drawn a big brown pencil around her hairline and head and from ear to ear and simply coloured in her face with dark brown cream, her foundation was coffee coloured and her neck and décolletage was white and pasty.
I was really tempted to blend it all in and rub it down her neck line! It made me rush to a mirror and check mine, but I knew that was futile as I wear very little make up and for once I was pleased about that!
I was frustrated with myself that I didn’t tell her, but I didn’t know her well enough to be able to explain it to her, she may have taken offence.
It made me recall the time I met Rachel Weiss the actress in a toilet. Her beautiful black Chanel dress had chalk all over her bum area. Other famous women stood and stared at it and said nothing. I looked at her smiled and said “You have a big white chalky ass” she was horrified and I stood and patted her pert bum and cleaned it all off. She was so grateful and the other women looked away. “Only a real woman and true sister would have pointed that out, thanks” she kissed my cheek and left the toilet.
I feel bad I never helped the scary make up lady now!
So remember girls, blend-blend-blend! I never thought I would ever give out make up tips on my blog!
15:38 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
06/06/2008
Hot Fun in London and the USA voting
Sorry the blog has been late, I am a lazy person.
I am in London for a few weeks work and it is amazing. I am staying at Westminster in the lush Crown Lawn flats again; I am not used to such luxury! Just lying in bed hearing Big Ben strike is awesome.
The weather here has been so sunny and hot. Yesterday husband and I went walking and I have a burnt neck. We inadvertently walked into a BBC outside broadcast in Battersea Park and my flip flop noises ruined the take, I had to walk back over and apologise to the crew. I was so embarrassed, they laughed and explained it was all fine, but I felt like a dick.
I have been to Corby doing a show and that was rainy and smelled, felt and sounded just like Glasgow . The car journey was hellish as the poor man who owned the car had dampness ad the windscreen was all smeary and vision was difficult. So we spent the whole journey wiping the inside as he drove through the dark rainy roads. Not my ideal journey, but I tried not to panic.
Headed down to the Groucho Club last night with Monica and chatted to some old mates and had a few drinks. It was a cool night out! I realised the best way to work out if you are famous is if the homeless guy outside recognises you and last night as soon as I stepped out for a ciggie he said “Hello Janey, how was New Zealand?” I know this has less to do with me being famous and more to do with me chatting to him months ago before I left London. But it felt good! Then I gave him some cash, it is a form of me paying a fan to recall me now….not a good thing I suspect!
Not much else has been happening, all in all a fine trip so far.
I miss Ashley; she is back in Glasgow doing her thing.
Meanwhile I have been glued to the news about the voting in the USA .
Has Hilary Clinton done a disservice to women in America by failing to beat Obama?
Did she gild her lily too far? Was she a victim of her own pretentious connections?
Some political analysts have commented as much, but with the word anal in your title makes me somehow doubt your job.
Hilary hasn’t taken women any further or taken us back by trying hard to get to the White House, by the way Mr Obama, there is a reason it’s called the White House and it’s got nothing to do with paint on the wall’s, it aint over till the fat men sing!
Women in any political arena going for the top potato title will always be faced with adversity and nit picking. Mrs Clinton was clawing her way through every single state like a well dressed beggar. A cookie seller in nice shoes.
I felt sorry for Hilary, much in the same way I felt pain for poor Obama, because he wasn’t dark enough for the black vote and not white enough for the average Americans. The USA finally got a black man who wouldn’t threaten the whites yet couldn’t quite get the confidence of his core black voters.
The guy really is stuck between a rock and hard face.
The whole situation divided people; they were either racist or sexist, not a good basis for a Presidential candidate.
In my opinion, a one legged blind asthmatic donkey can only improve on Bush.
Let’s see what happens next?
16:38 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
05/30/2008
A Campervan
We go to London this Sunday as I am gigging down south for a few weeks and getting to meet up with my mate Monica. I can’t wait to see her new flat in Battersea.
I really need a campervan for Glastonbury this year, where I am performing at the cabaret tent. I am leaving on June 25th till June 30th possibly leaving from Glasgow or London, does anyone have any ideas?
I need help, please let me know?
On another thought, I am gigging this weekend at Glasgow Jongleurs. I love the club then on Sunday I am off to London to work for a few weeks. I will get to see my best mate Monica and will be able to see her new flat.
Also on Sunday night on BBC Radio Scotland I am the subject of an interview on a programme called ‘Stark Talk’, it was really in depth and I have never been interviewed like that before. I think at one point I almost broke down, Edi Stark knows her stuff!
10:15 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
05/28/2008
Funny old people
My old mate Hugh has a quirky way of looking at life. He is 84 years old and makes me giggle, last week he came to meet me for coffee.
The shops in my area are all upmarket kitchen/flooring/bathroom specialists. There is a new shop just opened and Hugh had a peep in the big windows to see what was on sale. Later when we met up for coffee he gave me his account of the new place.
“Janey, what is that shop selling? The place looks empty; there are a few stones on the floor. It has the hull of an old boat, a grandfather clock and a skinny boy shop assistant with funny hair staring out into the distance”
“Ceramic tiles” I explained in-between gulps of coffee “It’s got really expensive tiles that they import, maybe that’s what the boat reference is”
“What? There were no tiles; there was the hull of a fucking boat, what has that got to do with tiles? There was only that boy has long hair on one side of his face, I think he is selling ‘gay’ and looking out for cottages, I heard about that on TV” He spluttered.
“Hugh, don’t be homophobic, he isn’t gay and you can’t sell gay and you have the cottage thing all mixed up, it’s all subliminal marketing that’s all it is” I couldn’t stop laughing.
“In my day a ceramic tile shop had ceramic tiles in the window so you knew what it sold, all this strange subliminal marketing makes me feel invaded. I looked at the hull of that old boat and it reminded me of Dunkirk, he is luckily I never went into that shop and had a nervous breakdown” Hugh sniggered.
I forgot how older people have a sharp sense of humour, only old Hugh could link a tile shop to Dunkirk and make me snort with laughter. Though he does have a point the exclusive tile shop is a tad too snotty for my liking, and the boy with emotional hair that struts about in skinny jeans looking down on people who walk past and who try to figure out what the boat is all about does need taken down a peg or two.
My entire area is being taken over by fancy shops that sell nowt that I want to buy; I could do with a decent coffee shop down there. Not yet another exclusive kitchen shop or some place that sells Aga’s. Who the hell uses an Aga in this day and age, who the hell has a house or kitchen big enough to cope with an Aga cooker? What happened to shops that sell stuff the masses want to buy? In this day and age of the credit crunch, I don’t see any of these snotty shops surviving.
Luxury goods do sell, there is no debate, but I fail to see why my corner of the street has to be deluged by them.
Old Hugh put it nicely “ A proper old shop selling hardware and curtain rings is what’s needed, that or a shop selling cold cuts. In my day you got your food locally and in season. When did Italian ceramic tiles suddenly come into season? Mind you that deli up in Byres road sells oatcakes that could double up as wooden tiles any day, floors you can eat; now there’s an advertising slant that would work”
05:53 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
05/26/2008
Tips for a happy marriage
Never ask ‘What are you thinking?” in case your man does in fact start to tell you. Most men have nothing in their head and just make stuff up like invading Daleks, stories about evil marmosets, sea monkeys and Premier league football.
Husband and I had a night out at a lovely five star hotel near Ayr when I was performing at The Burns Festival. There was nothing but trees swaying in the wind and some birds cheeping in the background. I felt it was a good time to ask him what he was thinking about.
“Well, I was wondering if marmosets are evil monkeys, I don’t like the look of them, and then I was imagining what the world would be like if Daleks did take over the world and then I wanted to see if there was football on the telly.
Sometimes I think about moths and wonder what the hell they are thinking about flocking to a bright light, you would think all moths would tell other moths to stay away from lights. The other night I was wondering if sea monkeys should still be on sale, as they are just tiny fleas and not really wee creatures that wear a crown and serve cookies to smiling sea monkey kids. It’s a con Janey. Do you ever think about that? I bought them and was really disappointed when I just bred water fleas, do you think flip flops are bad for your feet? I wore some years ago and they hurt”
I stared at husband and wished I hadn’t asked him anything at all. His head is full of utter shit. I am fully convinced that he just picked random subjects to talk about and blathered it all out to shut me up.
So my point is- don’t ask men what they are thinking, it’s a waste of time.
22:24 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life