02/03/2008
Travelling Nutter
Leicester 7.30am I am out of bed and off to the railway station to catch a train back to London , there I will get on the tube to Heathrow and catch a flight home. I need to be home, I am tried and feeling very low. How bad can the day go? You ask yourself…well fucking really bad, let me tell you.
Firstly the ice cold wind whipped me near to death as I strolled through the deserted frozen streets of Leicester towards the rail station.
I almost missed the train due to a mix up in my head about times, but finally got on the train and sat down desperate for a cup of tea. Of course the tea bar was shut and wasn’t going to open as there was a problem with the hot water.
So I had three hours of no breakfast and or even a fucking hot drink.
I finally arrived in London , parched yet I had strange grumbling noises coming from my lower stomach. Suddenly I was gripped in pain and I needed to get to toilet immediately. I had a patina of cold sweat draped over my whole body and I could hardly contain the pain. Then I had the worst shits EVER in my life, I thought I was going to die in a freezing cold railway toilet. It felt awful.
I sat there on the loo, wondering how I was going to walk to the tube station to get onto the very long journey of the Piccadilly line to Heathrow in this state.
I gathered up my suitcase, laptop and handbag and hobbled out of the toilet and towards the under ground. My Oyster card was refused as it didn’t have enough cash in “Fuck” I shouted and hobbled towards the huge queue to top my card up that allows me to travel within the London underground trains.
I was in mid- credit card pin number situation when a big guy from behind dipped down beside my leg and started to shove his hand up inside the ticket machine.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I shouted.
“Shut up” he shouted back.
Then I realised I needn’t worry as no tickets are coming out of there, he cant steal my ticket as I am only topping up my Oyster card and you don’t get a ticket, maybe a receipt but not an actual travel ticket.
“Fuck off” I shouted again as he jammed his hand so far up the machine.
People were all standing in queues either side of me and no one helped or even made eye contact. I simply lifted my foot and stood on his hand and jammed him into the machine till he was stuck, then I calmly finished my transaction, then I saw his right hand go up and attempt to pull out my credit card from the machine!
I swiftly got the card and screamed “You bastard, you are trying to steal my credit card”
He could do nothing as he was jammed on his knees with his hand stuck in a machine with me having my foot rammed at his wrist, locking him in.
“Let me go” he hissed.
“Is no one going to fucking help me? I have a guy here trying to steal my ticket and now my credit card” I yelled. No one blinked. “No wonder you fuckers get attacked all the time, in Scotland we attack the nutters, here you all fucking stand round watching it happen”
I shoved my foot harder into his wrist and he was screaming in pain.
My bowels hurt, I was sweating and this fucker picked the wrong old woman to fuck around. Finally I left him go and my receipt dropped out of the machine, the stupid guy picked it up quickly and realising it was a ‘not for travel’ ticket shoved it into his mouth and chewed it, then spat it at me!
“I needed that for my tax returns you fucker” I spat back.
“Well you hurt my hand and I am poor” he replied.
“So, because you are poor I have to let you steal off me?” I screamed back.
He ran away.
I looked around at all the people who watched me jam a nutter into a ticket machine and who didn’t help and I said “Thanks everyone for watching me struggle with a thief, I hope you are all very British and proud of yourselves”
I went to the toilet and had even more diarrhoea!
The journey from St. Pancreas to Heathrow is about an hour and I sat on that journey clutching my tummy and begging to get to another toilet, which I did at Heathrow.
My legs were shaking and I think I may have lost a kidney and half of my stomach.
So finally I am home, I have taken some medication and have had a shower …life sucks.
19:56 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: life, Janey, Godley
02/01/2008
On the Road again
I flew to London last Tuesday; sorry my blog has been so bloody late but have been so busy and incredibly tired beyond belief. Though am still on the diet, killing me no end is my lack of chocolate!
London was great as usual, I do love it. Stayed at the awesome Crown Lawn apartments who always look after me wonderfully and the place is just palatial. I was working on a TV thing that I can’t really discuss as yet, as it probably will all fall apart at the final hurdle, but it was intense and great work.
I was also very chuffed to find out I won BEST PERFORMER by the Fringe Report website and I am down in London soon for the award ceremony, I am very touched that out of all the comedians at the Edinburgh Fringe, they chose me! How cool?
I had to get up early today and get on a train from London to Leicester as I am gigging here for two nights at Jongleurs comedy club. The train almost got cancelled as there has been a crash north of Leicester but it all worked out.
I am currently living out of a suitcase and really miss my own bed, my own man (that sounds like I have a replacement man, but I really fucking don’t, though wouldn’t that be a good idea? Probably not, he would most likely annoy me to death) and I miss Ashley of course.
I miss just chatting with her and the busier my life becomes, the less I get to see of her and that kind of kills me. Husband copes well, he is cool about it and fuck knows how I would feel if he wasn’t. He knows this is my job, but I sometimes wonder if he gets pissed off, though he would never say.
I still haven’t found a decent frock to go to the BAFTA awards in yet; everything makes me look fat and old. I really must lose weight or I need to start wearing leggings and stretchy sports wear as that’s all that’s going to fucking fit soon.
Am getting well up for my big gig at The Garage in Glasgow on March 6th, do come along if you fancy seeing my award winning comedy show?
Speak soon, am off to sleep and to dream of chocolate covered sexy men.
17:13 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: life, Janey, Godley
01/28/2008
Where Am I?
I sometimes get so bloody confused as to where I am supposed to be from one day to the next. Life is busy just now and travel plans are being changed daily. I am off to London tomorrow for a few days and then back up and down for the rest of February.
To make matters worse I am trying to stick to a diet, now that’s the worst thing when I am travelling as I tend to eat when am bored and sitting around in airports.
Last week in Prague I can’t believe how much food they offered that I just couldn’t eat; everything was so stodgy and deep fried, that these people could actually be Glaswegian!
So I turned into a small pit pony and lived on apples and carrots the whole trip.
I am so determined to lose my fat belly, I saw myself naked in a mirror from behind back in Cardiff and I was horrified as to how I looked. When did I become the fat lardy lady? I cannot bear to see myself naked for at least a year; the shock was too bad from the last attempt.
I have rolls of fat that ripple down my bum and the backs of my legs! I look like one of those Seaside postcards from the 1930s, it’s awful to accept.
So here we go again with the diet. You know you have reached an unacceptable size when you are NOW the weight you were when you were nine months pregnant with your baby. That’s wrong!
So February is full of travel and diets. I am going to the BAFTA awards in London soon and my guest this year is the Scottish Airport hero John Smeaton, he was the guy who intervened when a terror attack hit Glasgow Airport last year.
He was also a guest on my chat show at the Fringe last year and he is an all round lovely bloke.
I need to look nice and try not to resemble a fat rolly-polly woman on the red carpet.
March 6th is my Glasgow Comedy Festival show at The Garage in Glasgow at 8pm and I am doing a wee slot at the Terence Higgins Charity show on Sunday March 9th at Oran Mor on Glasgow ’s Byres Road .
Both shows still have some tickets available; click on my website on how to buy if you are up for it and let me know if you are coming so I can say a special hi to my blog friends on the night?
17:35 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: life, Janey, Godley