07/04/2008
Am Back from Lanzarote
I am home and safe. Ashley is slightly burnt, my poor wee girl! She managed on the first day of the holiday to fall over, tits over hair and skint her two knees, then she got her shoulders burnt despite wearing factor 50, and then she had a migraine. It was fun though. We spent hours sitting on that amazing balcony watching the sun go down over the beautiful pools, laughing listening to music and chatting. Wonderful stuff.
We had such a good time, we have great photo’s to upload and will do so soon.
Its great being back home, I did miss husband. Lanzarote was so lovely and nothing what I expected at all. Playa Blanca was really peaceful and nice. The weather was really hot though and being Scottish, I melted a wee bit.
Meanwhile I need to remind all you good people in Norwich that I am doing my one woman comedy show at the Norwich Playhouse Theatre on July 25th, do come along and see me!
Speak soon.
16:17 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
07/01/2008
7 inches from the midday sun
I am so very hot and sticky, but of course I am in Lanzarote. I never knew heat like this, it is relentless and burning every pore in my body. Thank God for the beautiful cool blue swimming pools here in our hotel. I simply wake up, pull on a cozzie, walk down for a chilled orange juice and then fall into the still flat cool pool. Now that’s life!
Floating about…enjoying the peacefulness as there are hardly any guests here, let alone screaming babies or drunks who do pyramids in the pool. Just pure serenity and I love it. Though I have to admit, I am bored. Husband did warn me of this syndrome. Apparently I yearn for peace and quiet and then make enough noise within that space because I am easily bored.
Though Ashley and I have had such a laugh together, she really makes me giggle. We have dinner at night then stretch out on our balcony and chat along to our music till the sun goes down over the ocean. It would be nice of she had a chat with someone under the age of 35, as everyone at this hotel is pretty middle-aged. She still hasn’t quiet gotten over missing Jay-Z at Glastonbury . She will never get over that and it’s my entire fault.
We have some colour, both of us have read three books and both of us have walked some miles in the heat and came to this conclusion.
We hate…
Beaches
Sticky limbs with sun cream
Hotel sheets
Bars that smell of burgers and bingo
Flip flops
Sangria
Insects that chase us
Angry cats
Shops that sell cats faces cut out of coconut
The fact that no one sells ceramic donkeys and that’s the one thing Ashley can ask for clearly in Spanish. (Don’t ask me why)
Sand that blows in your face.
So, soon we will be home from our lazy hazy holiday and I am missing husband. He is probably having a great time away from me!
21:44 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
06/27/2008
Lanzarote
I am in Lanzarote. Due to a somewhat worrying medical situation, I missed going to Glastonbury. Ashley and I have come to Lanzarote instead. It was a surprise gift from husband. He knew I would have time off after my minor surgery and decided to treat me. So he sent Ashley and me on a last minute holiday.
I would never have picked Lanzarote in my life. I hate package holidays and despise the smell of beer and kebabs. BUT this place is awesome, it is quiet and huge and the food is wonderful.
We are staying at the Gran Melia Volcain in Playa Blanca. I am stunned at how great the hotel is! Its 5 star in Lanzarote standards and trust me – it shows. I am so relaxed.
Ashley loves the swimming pools and I think our complex has four; I am not sure as we keep stumbling across more stuff as we walk about. The place is quiet and there are hardly any guests – which I am loving.
I imagined Lanzarote to be a place where people eat hot lard and sing the ‘Birdie Song’ continuously as baldy British men beat their wives and kids get sunburnt or ignored for a bingo night.
I haven’t had a proper holiday in years. I am so happy and though am worried about issues surrounding health and family, I am having a great time. I post up some pics when I get back.
Please remember all comedy fans of the blog I am doing my one woman show at Norwich Playhouse on 25th July and at Eden Court Inverness on 27th July.
More news from Lanzarote this week!
18:21 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
06/23/2008
Is Life ok?
I have been increasingly worried lately about my lovely wee step mum who hasn’t been well. Then I had a medical thing of my own which meant I had to cancel my appearance at The Glastonbury Comedy Tent, so life sucks a bit.
I am just back from Nottingham, I was MC at Jongleurs and I loved it. We stayed in serviced apartments with Urban Self Catering who really went out on a limb for me, they are amazing people and just wonderful hosts. The big two bedroom house was
I do like Nottingham and am looking forward to my big one woman show at Norwich Playhouse. Comedy is going well.
So, considering all this medical stuff goes well, Ashley and I are going to have our first holiday together in years. We are hoping to go to Turkey to Olu Deniz. I saw it on the web and it looks amazing. I really need a beach holiday and time to myself…and with Ashley! Husband hates beaches and holidays in general, so he is staying at home.
I really need a break just before the Edinburgh Festival.
I am hoping the hotel or destination does have internet, as I need to write my column for The Scotsman from a beach! That will be cool.
So I am off to sleep and wake up tomorrow and find a travel agent that will organise my wee holiday.
18:05 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
06/19/2008
What’s Sex got to do with it?
Unfaithful marriages are what keep gossip columns alive; it needs stupid people to read about it and feeds like barracuda’s on every detail of some unfortunate couple’s life to survive.
The most recent and enduring story is of footballer Ashley Cole and Cheryl Tweedy of Girls Aloud fame. This yarn is still being hocked out round the glossy mags.
You can’t pick up a magazine without seeing the angry Mrs. Cole is in a basque with the by-line “Would you cheat on this woman?”
It’s an old story; stupid man cheats on gorgeous sexy wife. Why would he do that? Have you seen the woman he had a dalliance with? Is the wife not fragrant? Is she not beautiful? Why would he stray when he has this hottie at home?
When did straying in a marriage have anything to do with looks?
Unless you are married to the Hunch Back of Notre Dame and have a quick one night stand with Brad Pitt does that theory come into play.
Society dictates that if you have a sexy partner, you have no right to go off and sully that relationship by having sex with a plain person. Which means that if some overpaid footballer had a one night stand with the latest Miss World, would that make the unfaithful act ok in his wife’s eyes? ‘I don’t mind you shagging around, as long as she is pretty?’
We all recall the Beckham alleged affair with Rebecca Loos, the pouty Posh One screamed “David wouldn’t touch a fat ugly woman” Which leads us to believe that if Mr Golden Balls screwed Eva Longoria then at least he wasn’t batting below his weight and Victoria could fully understand why he did it! Who makes these rules up?
That theory is all nonsense and the media is naïve to use beauty as a means to be staying faithful. As if sexy women or hot men never get cheated on!
If that were the case then why is Hollywood full of divorced beautiful people?
Most psychologists will tell you unfaithfulness has nothing to do with how sexy the wife or husband is, the whole episode hinges on the persons own self worth and how they feel being in a committed relationship.
The mistress isn’t always a sex bomb that came along and hooked he bedazzled man.
We all recall the hoots of horror when it was revealed that the Prince of Wales had chosen the slightly haggard Camilla Parker Bowles over the poised and perfect Princess Diana, who at the time was apparently the words most beautiful woman. What was Charles thinking?
We all know what he was thinking now, he loved Camilla.
Diana could wear all the pretty frocks she chooses, and her man still wanted the bushy blonde who smoked too much and lived in her wellies.
It gave the ordinary women all over the world a glimmer of hope, Princes can love the not so pretty girls as well, and the ugly sisters among us can win the kings heart. Prince Charles empowered us women more than Diana ever did by choosing Camilla over his glamorous wife, though we never really thanked him for it.
People are unfaithful because they want to, it doesn’t matter how attractive or ugly the wife or secret partner. It happens.
22:23 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
06/12/2008
Lazy Blogger Janey
I have been burnt, exhausted and scorched by the hot sun in London and thank God, it’s beginning to get cooler! Husband and I are still in here in Westminster . The gigs are going great, life is good. I miss my daughter like a piece of me has been cut off.
I woke up this morning and had one of those moments where I felt incredibly old and my life had passed me by. I worried that I was too old for stand up, too ancient for TV to even give me a chance, too ugly and fat to be considered for any film. It was a horrible empty evil place to be. Maybe I should have done all this years ago? I spent my entire twenties and a good chunk of my 30s running a bar, why should I get a second chance at life? My mammy didn’t she was dead at my age.
It’s strange, but I don’t see the older men in comedy worry about this. I am quite old amongst the female stand ups, but am not older than a lot of the guys. Why do I get so insecure?
Maybe I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and give myself a good kick up the ass?
I walked through Westminster today and joined the Liberty protestors who were trying to support the MPs who were against the latest law that the government decided to pass through Parliament. They wanted to raise the detention time of suspected terrorists up to 42 and the bastards managed it. It is a sad day for liberty in the UK .
I am beginning to hate the one eyed Protestant Gordon Brown more than I hated that closet Catholic Blair, stupid insecure men that seem to believe they have the ear of God yet cause more wars. Don’t even get me started on the Christian Bush!
If he exists, God must be sitting ‘up there’ saying “Hey, I know nothing about this and believe these men don’t hear my voice!”
I need to stop procrastinating and start being a bit more proactive about my life.
On a lighter note I was chatting to a woman I know in the street in Soho , I noticed in the harsh sunlight that she had a big brown ring around her chin and jaw line where her make up stopped abruptly.
It was like she had drawn a big brown pencil around her hairline and head and from ear to ear and simply coloured in her face with dark brown cream, her foundation was coffee coloured and her neck and décolletage was white and pasty.
I was really tempted to blend it all in and rub it down her neck line! It made me rush to a mirror and check mine, but I knew that was futile as I wear very little make up and for once I was pleased about that!
I was frustrated with myself that I didn’t tell her, but I didn’t know her well enough to be able to explain it to her, she may have taken offence.
It made me recall the time I met Rachel Weiss the actress in a toilet. Her beautiful black Chanel dress had chalk all over her bum area. Other famous women stood and stared at it and said nothing. I looked at her smiled and said “You have a big white chalky ass” she was horrified and I stood and patted her pert bum and cleaned it all off. She was so grateful and the other women looked away. “Only a real woman and true sister would have pointed that out, thanks” she kissed my cheek and left the toilet.
I feel bad I never helped the scary make up lady now!
So remember girls, blend-blend-blend! I never thought I would ever give out make up tips on my blog!
15:38 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
06/06/2008
Hot Fun in London and the USA voting
Sorry the blog has been late, I am a lazy person.
I am in London for a few weeks work and it is amazing. I am staying at Westminster in the lush Crown Lawn flats again; I am not used to such luxury! Just lying in bed hearing Big Ben strike is awesome.
The weather here has been so sunny and hot. Yesterday husband and I went walking and I have a burnt neck. We inadvertently walked into a BBC outside broadcast in Battersea Park and my flip flop noises ruined the take, I had to walk back over and apologise to the crew. I was so embarrassed, they laughed and explained it was all fine, but I felt like a dick.
I have been to Corby doing a show and that was rainy and smelled, felt and sounded just like Glasgow . The car journey was hellish as the poor man who owned the car had dampness ad the windscreen was all smeary and vision was difficult. So we spent the whole journey wiping the inside as he drove through the dark rainy roads. Not my ideal journey, but I tried not to panic.
Headed down to the Groucho Club last night with Monica and chatted to some old mates and had a few drinks. It was a cool night out! I realised the best way to work out if you are famous is if the homeless guy outside recognises you and last night as soon as I stepped out for a ciggie he said “Hello Janey, how was New Zealand?” I know this has less to do with me being famous and more to do with me chatting to him months ago before I left London. But it felt good! Then I gave him some cash, it is a form of me paying a fan to recall me now….not a good thing I suspect!
Not much else has been happening, all in all a fine trip so far.
I miss Ashley; she is back in Glasgow doing her thing.
Meanwhile I have been glued to the news about the voting in the USA .
Has Hilary Clinton done a disservice to women in America by failing to beat Obama?
Did she gild her lily too far? Was she a victim of her own pretentious connections?
Some political analysts have commented as much, but with the word anal in your title makes me somehow doubt your job.
Hilary hasn’t taken women any further or taken us back by trying hard to get to the White House, by the way Mr Obama, there is a reason it’s called the White House and it’s got nothing to do with paint on the wall’s, it aint over till the fat men sing!
Women in any political arena going for the top potato title will always be faced with adversity and nit picking. Mrs Clinton was clawing her way through every single state like a well dressed beggar. A cookie seller in nice shoes.
I felt sorry for Hilary, much in the same way I felt pain for poor Obama, because he wasn’t dark enough for the black vote and not white enough for the average Americans. The USA finally got a black man who wouldn’t threaten the whites yet couldn’t quite get the confidence of his core black voters.
The guy really is stuck between a rock and hard face.
The whole situation divided people; they were either racist or sexist, not a good basis for a Presidential candidate.
In my opinion, a one legged blind asthmatic donkey can only improve on Bush.
Let’s see what happens next?
16:38 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
05/30/2008
A Campervan
We go to London this Sunday as I am gigging down south for a few weeks and getting to meet up with my mate Monica. I can’t wait to see her new flat in Battersea.
I really need a campervan for Glastonbury this year, where I am performing at the cabaret tent. I am leaving on June 25th till June 30th possibly leaving from Glasgow or London, does anyone have any ideas?
I need help, please let me know?
On another thought, I am gigging this weekend at Glasgow Jongleurs. I love the club then on Sunday I am off to London to work for a few weeks. I will get to see my best mate Monica and will be able to see her new flat.
Also on Sunday night on BBC Radio Scotland I am the subject of an interview on a programme called ‘Stark Talk’, it was really in depth and I have never been interviewed like that before. I think at one point I almost broke down, Edi Stark knows her stuff!
10:15 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
05/28/2008
Funny old people
My old mate Hugh has a quirky way of looking at life. He is 84 years old and makes me giggle, last week he came to meet me for coffee.
The shops in my area are all upmarket kitchen/flooring/bathroom specialists. There is a new shop just opened and Hugh had a peep in the big windows to see what was on sale. Later when we met up for coffee he gave me his account of the new place.
“Janey, what is that shop selling? The place looks empty; there are a few stones on the floor. It has the hull of an old boat, a grandfather clock and a skinny boy shop assistant with funny hair staring out into the distance”
“Ceramic tiles” I explained in-between gulps of coffee “It’s got really expensive tiles that they import, maybe that’s what the boat reference is”
“What? There were no tiles; there was the hull of a fucking boat, what has that got to do with tiles? There was only that boy has long hair on one side of his face, I think he is selling ‘gay’ and looking out for cottages, I heard about that on TV” He spluttered.
“Hugh, don’t be homophobic, he isn’t gay and you can’t sell gay and you have the cottage thing all mixed up, it’s all subliminal marketing that’s all it is” I couldn’t stop laughing.
“In my day a ceramic tile shop had ceramic tiles in the window so you knew what it sold, all this strange subliminal marketing makes me feel invaded. I looked at the hull of that old boat and it reminded me of Dunkirk, he is luckily I never went into that shop and had a nervous breakdown” Hugh sniggered.
I forgot how older people have a sharp sense of humour, only old Hugh could link a tile shop to Dunkirk and make me snort with laughter. Though he does have a point the exclusive tile shop is a tad too snotty for my liking, and the boy with emotional hair that struts about in skinny jeans looking down on people who walk past and who try to figure out what the boat is all about does need taken down a peg or two.
My entire area is being taken over by fancy shops that sell nowt that I want to buy; I could do with a decent coffee shop down there. Not yet another exclusive kitchen shop or some place that sells Aga’s. Who the hell uses an Aga in this day and age, who the hell has a house or kitchen big enough to cope with an Aga cooker? What happened to shops that sell stuff the masses want to buy? In this day and age of the credit crunch, I don’t see any of these snotty shops surviving.
Luxury goods do sell, there is no debate, but I fail to see why my corner of the street has to be deluged by them.
Old Hugh put it nicely “ A proper old shop selling hardware and curtain rings is what’s needed, that or a shop selling cold cuts. In my day you got your food locally and in season. When did Italian ceramic tiles suddenly come into season? Mind you that deli up in Byres road sells oatcakes that could double up as wooden tiles any day, floors you can eat; now there’s an advertising slant that would work”
05:53 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
05/26/2008
Tips for a happy marriage
Never ask ‘What are you thinking?” in case your man does in fact start to tell you. Most men have nothing in their head and just make stuff up like invading Daleks, stories about evil marmosets, sea monkeys and Premier league football.
Husband and I had a night out at a lovely five star hotel near Ayr when I was performing at The Burns Festival. There was nothing but trees swaying in the wind and some birds cheeping in the background. I felt it was a good time to ask him what he was thinking about.
“Well, I was wondering if marmosets are evil monkeys, I don’t like the look of them, and then I was imagining what the world would be like if Daleks did take over the world and then I wanted to see if there was football on the telly.
Sometimes I think about moths and wonder what the hell they are thinking about flocking to a bright light, you would think all moths would tell other moths to stay away from lights. The other night I was wondering if sea monkeys should still be on sale, as they are just tiny fleas and not really wee creatures that wear a crown and serve cookies to smiling sea monkey kids. It’s a con Janey. Do you ever think about that? I bought them and was really disappointed when I just bred water fleas, do you think flip flops are bad for your feet? I wore some years ago and they hurt”
I stared at husband and wished I hadn’t asked him anything at all. His head is full of utter shit. I am fully convinced that he just picked random subjects to talk about and blathered it all out to shut me up.
So my point is- don’t ask men what they are thinking, it’s a waste of time.
22:24 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
05/23/2008
Radio Luxembourg
My daughter mocks my musical tastes regularly “Mum Dean Friedman’s songs are bizarre how on earth can you listen to that tosh?” she giggled as I belted out my favourite chorus “Did you see Lisa? Yes, I saw Lisa” from the song “Lucky Stars” from 1978.
She let me listen to her latest Snoop Dog single “Sensual Seduction”. It has a back beat of electro pop that sounded so fresh and new.
I smiled, sat her down and clicked on Herbie Hancock on You Tube; she was amazed to hear the man sing an early similar version of her favourite rap star’s latest hit.
Why do the youth of today think their musical taste is far superior to the older generations? It’s all been done before.
The German pop synthesiser group Kraftwerk, were making sounds in the late 60s that generations of pop stars would follow.
Music is one of the things my daughter and I share a passion for and she was interested to hear how back in the 70s my brother and I would tune into Radio Luxembourg to hear a wider range of music.
They played fabulous pop tunes and lesser known acts and introduced me to an amazing collection of songs and bands that I would never have got to listen to through the standard BBC or local radio stations in Scotland.
Steely Dan, Supertramp, Nils Lofgren, Al Stewart and Todd Rundgren quickly became my hero’s through that crackly old radiogram we had at home.
Now in today’s youth driven MySpace and YouTube world, every genre of music is readily available and instantly downloadable for everyone to enjoy.
But I loved my old radio, lying in bed slowly turning that dial till I finally found Radio Luxembourg was just the best feeling in the world.
02:23 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
05/19/2008
Who knew?
Who knew I would get to this age and question everything? I no longer know who I am supposed to be. A mother, a wife a person? I don’t really know the answer anymore.
Every time I go away for a period of time I come back to a changed household. Ashley has trouble asserting her role; I know she has problems being over shadowed by me, I don’t blame her at 22 I would hate to be known as ‘Annie Currie’s daughter’ and she is still known as ‘Janey Godley’s Daughter’. She gets frustrated I assume.
At this point in her life she should be full of life and confidence, but there is an unusually reversed role play in our dynamics. I should be old and menopausal, put out to graze and she as the younger vital female should be the one blazing a trail, showing me all things I would be missing from my youth. But because I am the one still out there working, doing comedy and enjoying world travel, these roles have been emotionally delayed or reversed to say the least.
She is at home with her dad and that is supposed to be me. I am the older woman; I should be at home dealing with middle age.
Ashley is still at university and doing well. I am so very proud of her, like you cannot imagine. Still she has to watch me pack bags and go off on tour with comedy every week.
I hope I am not stunting her in anyway, though I don’t know what to do about that as I love my job.
Husband just gets on with everything and accepts his role as man about the house. I sometimes feel an intruder when I get back as he and Ashley have their own stuff that they do and I get in the way. I don’t like TV shows they watch, I dislike the food they choose and I seem to be annoying everyone!
They breathe a sigh of relief when I slope off to my room and read or sleep.
I don’t know who I am supposed to be.
16:34 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
05/16/2008
Comedy is my life
Not expecting much from a job is how I have lived my life. When I owned a bar many years ago, I accepted that it would generate much needed cash and allow me to buy stuff that I wanted. Simple as that.
I was a good barmaid, many people told me so, I never drank, smoked but spent a lot of time swearing and shouting at drunken Glaswegians, that was my one perk of the job and I used it up greedily.
When I went into stand up, I expected to make less cash (and I did at first) but I got more job satisfaction. I got to travel, got to say stuff out loud and finally got my dream come true- I got paid for talking. I talk too much and getting paid for the one thing that most people hate about me was very satisfying in a deep perverse way.
Though to put it all into perspective, I understood it was just a job. An interesting job no doubt, but when it all comes down to it, comedy is a job. Like many stand ups, I made my job my life. I was determined to get better, eager to learn and the more people told me to give it up, the more I did it. One comedy promoter even went to great lengths to tell other people not to hire me, but I suppose the less said about that the better. Again, the more they told me to shut up the more I spoke. It all worked out in the end.
My family never told me to stop, both my husband and daughter always had some strange unshakable belief that it was the right career path, but then they are both slightly mad, so maybe with hindsight I shouldn’t have taken career advice from a small child and a man with Asperger’s Syndrome.
But now I am glad I did. I am now 47 years old and cannot quite fathom out why I never did all of this comedy lark earlier in life. I suppose I was too busy being a barmaid to consider it. Life finally threw me a curve ball in 1994 that gave me the chance to leave the bar and follow my own path.
I love the job, and the great thing about comedy is your NEVER stop learning, every single gig sheds a new light on your performance. Every show teaches you something you didn’t know five minutes earlier and that’s why I adore it.
It’s not like being a secretary where you are going to know everything you need to know in the first six months. Comedy is great for reflection, it’s wonderful for learning more about yourself and it gives you the most satisfying feeling in the world when you do a great gig.
The down side is, when you have a bad night, every single tiny piece of low self esteem can bubble and rise to the surface and almost smother you in the wee small hours when you can’t sleep.
But then you get back up onstage and do it all over again.
It’s addictive and mad, but my job is my life and I realised today for the first time in that life that I am never going to stop it. I am going to be one of those really old women who still get onstage and do their stuff.
Even if no one is listening, I am determined to be the oldest woman on the circuit in the future.
01:23 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (1) | Email this | Tags: Life
05/14/2008
Home is where the heart is
I have been on more aeroplanes than an American President; well that’s what it feels like. The good news is my long haul flight home from NZ was great. On both long flights (NZ to Hong Kong and then onto London ) I got three seats to myself, which is perfect for my wee body to get a lie down.
The annoying thing about the seats though, is the arm rests don’t go fully back into the seats, so you are kind of crushed lying down, but still it was better than being jammed in one seat for 27 hours.
Husband was waiting at the airport for me in Glasgow . He was lovely, all shaved and showered, suited and booted. It was so cool to see him; I ran and jumped on him!
Ashley was waiting at home and I hugged her so tight for ages, I really missed them.
My house was all clean and smelling nice, so both of them have been busy.
So my suitcase is all unpacked and broken, yes – my brand new luggage got crushed on its journey and the great news is that British Midland just called and are sending me new luggage tomorrow, straight to my door! I love British Midland.
I don’t have jet lag as I slept last night for ten hours and am back on track. Am now organising my next trip which is pretty soon and I will pack up again and go off to do comedy in another town, another place.
I lay down last night and was thinking all about my NZ mates and how much I miss them already. I always leave a wee bit of me behind in the land of the long white cloud. The good news is I will be back there next year.
16:03 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
05/12/2008
I am coming home!
Here in my hotel room in Auckland I am packing up the last of my luggage and stuff to catch the late flight to Hong Kong . Soon I will be flying across the world and home to my family. I can’t wait to see them.
Equally I can’t wait to come back to New Zealand , what a place it is!
This land of the long white cloud is my second home from home and the comics in NZ are just a delight to behold. I adore them all and will miss them terribly.
I spent the day in the sunshine up in the open air pool and spa. All the comics from last nights award show were all drunk and still awake and flailing about in the hot tub. They really are a hardy bunch!
Scott and Bridget who own the Classic Comedy Bar and who brought me over have been awesome and treated me like a princess since I arrived.
I feel a bit sad leaving my spiritual comedy home, but can’t wait to see husband and Ashley. Let’s all cross our fingers and hope I get an upgraded flight and come home in luxury and comfort?
I will blog as soon as I get home to Glasgow …until then dear friends…speak soon.
I am coming home…
09:39 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
05/08/2008
Extra Show Added
The comedy show here in Auckland has sold out the entire season, so we have added another show. On Saturday 10th May there is an extra show added at The Classic Basement at 5.30pm. These tickets are also selling well, so am excited!
This morning I got woke up early in the hotel as the housemaid was possibly recreating her own violent life by banging the beds around in the room next to mine. The vacuum was battered off the furniture and my bed moved as she slammed the bed next door into the wall and jarred me from my sleep. I ran through there in my night clothes and asked her to keep the noise and the slamming down to a minimum as I am trying to get some shut eye!
The whole room looked like a tornado has hit it. Maybe she was having a bad day? But why did I have to suffer as a result?
The other strange thing about this amazing hotel is, in the lobby and on all of the hall way floors Whitney Houston is blared out loudly and as I sit here and type I can hear ‘Where Do Lonely Hearts Go?” quite clearly. This is EVERY day, who does that shit?
I just called down to reception and requested some Steely Dan or Bob Seger, because if there is a DJ in house who insists we listen to piped music loudly then we as guests should get to choose the songs. Whitney Houston can kiss my ass.
I am going swimming today; the hotel has a lovely indoor and outdoor pool. I am going to check the weather to see which place I go for a dip!
Speak soon.
08:00 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
05/06/2008
Nearly Home
This is my last week in Auckland and I am on the home straight, about five more days to go!
I have had such a fab time here and I do love NZ more than I can say, though a break from the torrential rain would be nice. I managed to get a really good quality webcam on my laptop and have been trying to chat to my mates on it, but they all seem aghast at my funny dancing and waving. Maybe that novelty will wear off soon?
I went shopping today in Ponsonby, which is quite nice, but never bought any clothes. I never see stuff that looks good for me. I have the dress sense of an angry teenage lesbian in her ‘sad unsure phase’. Less sexy-more practical and drab.
If only I could dress pretty? But I only dress for comfort nowadays. The thought of stropping about in high heels just to go shopping makes me want to drink bleach.
I don’t understand the logic in that anymore, though I did when I was in my 20s. I would easily slip on some heels and take Ashley a walk into town, what the fuck was I thinking? No wonder my knees hurt at this age.
My show is selling out fantastically and I am so happy the reviews are all positive.
The comics here in NZ are such a great supportive bunch of people that I will truly miss them when I go.
Though I can’t wait to see husband and Ashley next week. I need their big hugs.
15:01 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
05/04/2008
Getting Old
I know I am 47 years old, but I never knew how everyone else in the world would feel about that and guess what? I am officially very old. I think I am the oldest performer at this Comedy Festival in NZ.
All the young comics are so lovely but some of them do treat me as an elderly woman and this shocks me to the core.
For instance, I was chatting to one young guy and he was explaining how he has so much body hair that he has to wax it off as women find it off putting. I then added to this chit chat “I only occasionally shave my arm pits if they get really feral” to which he replied “Yes Janey, but you are really old, it doesn’t matter with you”
I sat there agog at this observation. What do I do now? Take off my make up and start NOT wearing a bra? Should I give up the long war against my grey roots? Will I just let my tufty hair become white and start knitting bootees for poor kids in Africa and gather cats on my lap?
I am now aware that my gentle flirting might be deemed creepy. Are young boys scared of the old lady who chats to them in late night comedy bars? Has all my sexuality drained out of my saggy body?
I am still fertile; I can bear kids if I want. I can scrub up quite well when I put in the effort.
I know I no longer get second glances from the hot boys, that stuff stopped in 1990, but surely I am not confined to the middle aged car boot sale set yet? There is life in this old dog.
How do I regain my female sexuality at 47 years old and still feel needed and wanted within?
I feel about 20 inside my head. I don’t see myself as an aged woman, when did this all happen?
All this is corrected in one giant leap, as husband still finds me incredibly attractive, but what happens when even he starts to see the old woman who creaks when she bends?
I am disconcerted and discombobulated today. I need a hug.
22:44 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
05/03/2008
Notes from New Zealand
Last week I flew to New Zealand via Hong Kong and am on tour till mid May at the New Zealand International Comedy Festival. Packing suitcases has become my speciality.
The women’s magazines tell you how to take a ‘capsule wardrobe’ where a few items can make seventeen outfits! A shirt can be tied around the waist to resemble a skirt, a scarf can be worn many different ways and nothing beats a little black dress.
All of that is great advice if you are a size 0 and never sweat.
I am a curvy size 16 and, believe me, there are no shirts invented that can wrap around my big bum and would make me look anything other than post-hostage/ pre-mental patient.
The best thing to do is to take everything you own and roll it up tight.
If in doubt, dump everything when you get there and buy new stuff in your destination country. Especially when the pound is so strong against the NZ dollar!
Wellington city is just beautiful; the people are extremely laid back and very polite, if not slightly eccentric.
They have a local homeless bloke called ‘Blanket Man’ who sits around the streets naked but for a woolly cover. He has huge thick dreadlocks, likes a beer and sings a lot.
I chatted to him when I was there and asked him if he minded that people called him ‘Blanket Man’ and he said, “Yes I do because, technically, I should be ‘Naked Man’ and yet the blanket gets all the attention.”
He wrapped his cover tight around him and showed me some of the city’s sights.
Blanket man told me that the parliament building is called The Bee Hive.
When I first heard this information in his Kiwi accent, it sounded like he said to me: “Our Government gets together ‘n’ behave.”
Last night I was staying in a very nice hotel for one night on Waiheke Island.
The place was awesome but very quiet. It was literally in the middle of nowhere.
I lay in my room getting ready for a radio show and all I could hear was…nothing.
Honestly, I could not hear a single noise and I have never had that level of silence in my life. The quietness was frightening.
Then I heard a buzzing sound in my ears. I thought it might be tinnitus. I was unaware that I suffered from the dreadful condition.
I made an appointment with a doctor when I arrived in Auckland today, but when I hit the city, the noise disappeared.
I don’t have tinnitus. I realised that I have just never had peace and quiet in my life and, when faced with it, I mistook it for an illness!
09:36 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
05/01/2008
Auckland is awesome
Well I am sorry I took so long to blog. I have been rather busy. My show opened three nights ago and it’s all great. I have had three wonderful reviews and that’s just perfect.
The weather is horrendous; it’s really muggy and damp and keeps raining buckets. I have been soaked twice. The shows are just going fine and I love meeting up with loads of lovely comics from all around the globe.
Last night in the front row of the late show at The Classic there was a girl who went to school with my daughter back in Glasgow….how crazy is that?
She shouted out that she was in the year above Ashley and I fell about laughing. It really is a small world.
I have been quite stressed trying to get everything done as I have to book shows into my diary, write my Scotsman column and keep on top of all the shows and media that I do. So sleep is good.
I miss my husband and Ashley. I love travelling but ultimately I spend more time away from them than I do with them and that eventually gets to you. I didn’t expect to be this age and spend so much time being lonely. I do get share my thoughts with crowds of people at night, but it’s not the same as curling up on the sofa with Ashley and husband.
It won’t be long till I get home and get to be with them.
Today I am doing Comedy for Kids and that will be a challenge if nothing else.
I hope it all goes well.
Janey
04:47 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
04/26/2008
Farewell to Wellington
I am so happy, my show in Wellington sold out every night and the reviews were just awesome. I love this place. I did a Good Morning TV appearance as well and some radio and that was fun. The people here in NZ are just so welcoming and supportive.
Every night the people came to The San Francisco Bath House to see the show and they were such a giving audience, so many Scots turned up as well.
The weather here in Wellington is really hot and sunny; I even have a wee tan on my face.
So now I am off to Auckland to finish off the tour and perform my one woman show at the Classic comedy basement.
More exciting news…Time Out magazine in London had an online voting poll for the TOP TEN BEST STAND UP COMICS and I made it to number 3 in that list, I was the only woman and the only Scot in there! I am so happy.
14:03 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
04/23/2008
First Night in Wellington
I was so jetlagged and tired but my opening night in Wellington went awesome. I recall vaguely standing onstage and my legs hurting with the need to collapse, but I know it all went good. The show sold out and the people were so lovely they gave me loads of energy back. It was brilliant; I love this city and its people.
As soon as the show was done I went straight to my hotel and fell asleep and didn’t wake up until the sun come streaming through my window this morning. The view is awesome my window looks right over the harbour and it is just a delight to watch the sunset, if I ever stay awake to see it.
Tonight has sold out as well and tomorrow morning I am up bright and early to do the Good Morning TV show. I had lunch today with a wonderful lovely NZ comic called David Cormack, he is very funny, and you should catch his show. David has been a wee rock of support since I got here yesterday; he gave me a mobile phone to borrow and loads of kind words when I was brain dead and knackered yesterday.
I had a bath earlier tonight; you should see the size of my bath in this hotel room. It is HUGE, I mean I could have swum a lap in its foamy waters, ok that’s an exaggeration. I could lie there move around and not touch the sides or bottom it is so deep and wide.
I am off to get ready for tonight’s show.
13:30 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
04/22/2008
Flight to NZ went Fab
I have arrived in New Zealand and all is good so far…I may fall asleep and miss my first night, who knows?
On the flight from London to Hong Kong Air New Zealand was quiet and I got four seats to myself and the on the flight from HK to Auckland I got three seats to myself, so I slept a lot. I am happy I wasn’t squashed in tight with nutty people.
I am excited about getting my first night over with and a whole night in bed sounds better than sex with George Clooney right about now, that’s how sort of out of synch I am at this moment.
At least I wasn’t exhausted on arrival and the Museum Hotel here in Wellington is awesome beyond belief! One of the best hotels I have stayed in, right now I have a washing on as I am in one of the hotel apartments they have assigned me. I am lucky.
Speak soon
05:48 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Life
04/19/2008
Kangaroos and Abi
I was invited to open a new shop unit in Shettleston, the place I grew up in Glasgow. It is Kangaroo Self Storage Units. Shettleston is being slowly regenerated and it was amazing to see my old home town again. I don’t go back as often as I like. Too many bad and sad memories, but being there today was awesome.
I felt really odd as I have never ‘opened’ anything before other than a few Pandora’s boxes and clutch of Visa bills, both which scared me to death!
Anyway it was lovely and I took along my favourite wee niece Abi. She was all dressed in pink and pretty, she was so well behaved, I was very proud. She is such a wee smart intelligent social butterfly, she actually shouted out “I declare this shop open” as I cut the ribbon! What a wee star.
Abi ate too many chocolate cakes and the sheer amount of sugar made her even more chatty and animated! She stood up and told a very long complicated joke about a Red Indian who does a hard poo….I was in hysterics, it was so funny and she cleverly got the punchline bang on, she even managed to insert the pauses, the pull back and reveal technique was spot on and her wee voice was so clear. She executed the whole joke perfectly. I was out